The Things I Thought I Knew..

It's funny how time can give you more perspective. Hopefully that perspective has inspired a little wisdom in me. For some reason, I've been thinking a lot about what my life used to be like before I had a baby and a husband. One word: EASY.

No financial responsibilities, other than filling up my car with gas. {And gas was only $1.27 at that time, WTH GAS?}  No stressful work deadlines. No performance pressures.

If I were to encounter my 16-year old self today, I think my younger self would be very surprised and maybe even a little disgusted with how my life has turned out so far. That doesn't mean that I am unhappy with my life, but rather that I have changed my mind about how life should be.

When I was 16 years old, I was concerned about one thing, ME. It was all about me. I didn't care about other people's feelings. I didn't care about other people's wants or desires. I was selfish. But really, what 16 year old isn't?

During this time period, I realized I wasn't a typical Utah Mormon teenager. I noticed there were differences between my friends and myself, and not just whether I liked watching Friends or That 70's Show.

Pretty often my friends and I would sit down and talk about "life". What we wanted to do. What direction we were headed. When most of my friends were asked the ever popular, "What do you want to do when you grow up?", their first response would almost always be, "Get married, and have a family.", which would then proceed with getting an education, finding a career, etc.

I, on the other hand, was totally appalled by the idea of a FAMILY. 16 year old me would have shuddered. I vividly remember sitting around the lunch room table with a bunch of my friends. They had started talking about their plans to grow up and have families. At least half of them had names picked out for their first born, they knew if they would pierce their future babies ears, and which gender they thought would be easiest to handle.

One of the girls turned to conversation to me and asked, "Stefanie, what names would you like for your babies?". I don't remember what I said. All I remember is thinking how strange it was that all of these girls KNEW at 16 years old that they wanted to grow up and have babies. I didn't want that. I didn't want to have to clean up dirty diapers, spit up, barf, drool, and all of that wonderful goo that comes out of children. I despised children. I could barely handle my younger sister, who was five years younger than me. How could I EVER manage taking care of another tiny human being.

(source)

Now, my entire life I have grown up in the LDS church. My parents were sealed in the temple together for time and eternity, and they taught me the importance of families. I knew that having a family was part of The Plan. I had several conversations with my Mom regarding it, because she knew that I hated the idea of having my own family. Well, probably because I was overly vocal about it.

Here are the things that I told my Mom on a regular basis:

A. I would never get married.
B. I would NEVER have ANY children.
C. I would more far, far away, and never visit her.
D. Don't hug me.
E. Just don't touch me at all.

Sweetheart, right there. I know that you are all hoping for a teenager just like me. Anyway, I am pretty sure my Mom was a little worried about me.

{In all honesty, I really did hate being touched by other people. I have gotten a lot better about it over the years, but I still have a problem with being touched if it's not on my terms. I'm a crazy-weirdo, I know. Moving on...}

At 16 years old, I had plans. I was going to go out and conquer the world. I was going to graduate with my BA at 21 years old, go to Med School, and become a Neurosurgeon. That was my plan. I didn't need a husband or a family slowing me down.

I am on the right.

But then, life had other plans for me. I met a boy.

And I married him three months after I graduated High School.

Well Mom,

A. I would never get married. ....I guess you might have been right.

Robby and I are very much a like. But, he is probably twice as stubborn and impatient as I am. {He will deny it. But trust me, it's true.} I think it's a middle child thing. I learned really quickly, that I couldn't always be right, and that I had to be patient with him. It reminds me of something my Dad used to say to us all the time;

Dad: "Be patient."
Me: "I don't have any!"
Dad: "Well, grow some."

I grew a lot patients our first year of marriage, and I learned a lot. I learned that it WASN'T all about me and that there was more to life than my wants and my needs.

However, I was still scared to death of the idea of having a family. I could not imagine taking care of a little human being. It just seemed too hard. Ok, I KNEW it was hard. I had watched all of those women in the grocery stores with their inconsolable screaming children. I had seen the 2-year old in church picking his boogers and wiping them on his Mom's dress. I had helped a Mom pick up her sunglasses when her 1 year old threw them across the room as she was having a tantrum at the DMV. Hard and scary. I just didn't understand why anyone would WANT that.

(source)

Fortunately, Robby was scared of children too. Maybe even more than I was. Neither of us had much of a desire to have children for a very long time. 5 years to be exact.

It's not that we didn't ever want children. Neither of us could really imagine living out the rest of our lives without children. We just weren't ready, and when I look back, we really weren't. I don't regret my decision to wait to have children, because I WAS a baby when I got married. I needed time to grow and mature, and get to know my husband before we added an extra element into the mix. In the view of the world, I am STILL a baby. I am sure there are plenty of people now, who would think I was crazy for having a baby at 24.

Even when we did decide that it was "time" to start trying for a family, both of us were so scared. I don't know how many times both of us had said, "Are you sure?", "Do you really think we should do this?". It took me almost 8 months to get pregnant.

It's funny too, because I didn't think that it would take us that long. After 6 months, I started second guessing our decision. I thought, "Ok, I guess the Lord doesn't want us to have children yet. Maybe we are supposed to wait longer.". Then I started getting comfortable with that idea. I even had a conversation with my younger sister Whitney about it. I told her that I thought I would probably wait a little longer and finish up my BA, and then we would try.

A week later. I found out I was pregnant.

Funny how that happens. Magic.

During my pregnancy, I was scared. I didn't feel like it was real. I didn't feel like I was ACTUALLY having a baby. Even though I could feel her moving inside me. It was too surreal.

Even when I went to the hospital to be induced, it didn't seem real at all. It felt like the past 9 months had been some crazy dream I had been living. I remember my Little C being born, and the first thing I thought was, "She is so big!", and then at that moment it became real for me. I had a baby. A baby. I did something I never thought I would do.

I think my Mom may have been on to something:

B. I would NEVER have ANY children. Well played Mother, Well played.
I do have to say that the Lord gave me the best baby ever. She is so sweet, relaxed, and probably has more patients than I do. But, that is perfect for me, because I don't think that I could have handled anything more than that! I know that this sounds very cliche, because all mothers say it, but I don't think that I could ever love someone as much I love my Little C. She has taught me what real love is, and it's so much deeper than I had thought.

I'm really not sure what the point of this post is anymore, other than I have changed a lot since I was 16 years old.

Sure, life was easy back in 2003, and some days I would like to go back. But, even though my life is so much more complex with it's work, school, financial, and family demands; I wouldn't change it.

My life is much harder than 16 year old me would have wanted.

My life is much more boring than 16 year old me would have wanted.

I am an accountant, and 16 year old me would die if she knew.

I am a WIFE, and 16 year old me year old me would probably be embarrassed that she had to eat her words.

I am a mother, and 16 year old me's mouth would probably gaping open in awe if I told her.

I am not a millionaire like 16 year old me had anticipated.

But, 16 year old me is also very immature, impatient, judgemental, stubborn, selfish, and arrogant. She doesn't really know what she wants in life, and has a lot of things to learn and grow from. Life doesn't always turn out how you think it will, and often times, it's for the better.

Do you ever feel compelled to write something? Well, that's what I felt like today. Who knows what purpose this post really serves, but I had that crazy impulsive feeling, and I wrote.