Creepy Creeps

Have I ever mentioned that I am truly frightened by spiders? Well, I am.

I learned at a very young age that spiders are small pieces of Satan's soul in a creepy crawly form. I don't remember exactly what age I was, probably 4 or 5. I decided to play by the window seal, for what reason only God knows. In the window seal I found two black spiders.  A smaller one, I called the "Baby" spider, and a bigger one which I also appropriately named the "Momma" spider.

At this point in my life I knew what spiders were, but didn't know that they can bite your finger off at will and suck all the blood from your body. I thought they were the coolest little bugs EVER!!

So I poked at "Baby".

For some reason, "Momma" didn't like that. "Momma" lunged forward at lighting fast speed, and bit my little 4 or 5 year old finger. I'm sure she also tried to suck all of the blood from my body while she was at it but, I think it was my abnormally high pitched screams that stopped her.

My mom came running. I'm sure she thought I was dying. Because I sounded like it.

Lesson learned. Spiders really are devil creeps.

I've never had good luck with spiders.

When I was 10, our neighbors were getting ready to have a yard sale. Being very neighborly, they decided to let our family come over and look at everything before they moved it outside for the yard sale. So we mozied around the garage and look at all the treasures. The matron of their household insisted I try on a coat.

I was reluctant. A) It was brown. Brown is for boys...duh. B) It smelled weird... C) It was made of wool inside, so it was super itchy.

But she insisted, so I obliged. Upon sliding right arm into the right arm of the coat, I immediately felt that familiar sensation....I should have trusted my instincts.

REE! (That's the noise a spider makes before it attacks) There was a spider in there, and it tried to bite my finger off while also putting  it's vampire skills to use to drain the blood from my body. Lucky for me, I had my tonsils out two years prior so my voice was even more high pitched and squeaky than before. So when I screamed in agony, the spider fell out of the arm of the coat, and skittered across the floor. It quickly met it's demise under my sister's shoe.

Anyway.

Those darn satanic insects seem to be stalking me lately.

Everyday, not every other day, or every third day, but EVERYDAY, I find them in our house. Not little bitty creepy crawlies either. They are the big ones. The ones that, with legs included, are the size of a fifty cent pieces. They are also always of the same variety. I only know them as "House Spiders". You know, the brown ones that have a black stripe on them? Yes. Those ones.

Either they have some sort of special power, which wouldn't surprise me because they are satanic, and can come back from the dead. Or there is a colony of these beasts living around our house, also, not surprised. It's like I'm having deja vu everyday. Same spider. Same size. Same creepiness.

They aren't as frightening when they are still. It's when they start skittering across the floor that I lose my wits.

Two nights ago, Robby was home sick. He wasn't ready for bed, so he stayed up to watch T.V. in the living room while I headed to bed. About an hour in, I heard him say, "HEY! Come here!" Thinking there was some kind of emergency, I scrambled out of bed and headed into the living room. Robby says, "Look at this spider! It has babies all over it's back!"

Fantastic! My husband woke me up to look at something I find totally repulsive. Not only that, but it has thousands of spawn crawling all over it, which are likely going to try to crawl inside my mouth while I'm sleeping.

Thank you my love, I had the creepy crawlies for the rest of the night.

 Luckily, I am pretty much blind without my contacts in. So I couldn't really see, Ok, correction, could only make out a brown blurry spot on the floor. Robby sprayed it. And it died, along with all of it's thousands of babies and hopes to crawl down my throat that night.

Yesterday, I finally remembered to get some bug spray.

We are now ready to take down the Satan-creeps that are venturing into our house everyday.

P.S. I don't know if it's just me...but I never feel justified in smashing a spider just once. I have to smash it on the floor about 10 times before I am completely reasurred that it's dead. Then I flush it down the toilet on top of that.